Something has switched off..

If you know me well, you know I have a lot of emotional issues. Issues with connecting with my own emotions. Yes I can love, I can show sympathy/empathy towards other people. I have issues being sympathetic and empathetic with myself. In my own eyes, I don't view myself in a healthy manner at all. I'm sure that comes from a loveless, unemotional childhood. I grew up with parents that were too subdued in their own lives to care about mine and my brothers. Honestly, I'm surprised I turned out the way I did. I'm strong and independent and can handle my own shit, but I just cannot connect with my emotions. Not one bit. Scott has had me fill out a goal sheet, he says to connect to your emotions when you fill it out. I tried and failed miserably. Scott knows a majority about what my childhood was like, he understands why I treat myself the way I do. I am so afraid of judgement and rejection. The judgement I don't get why but rejection I totally get. Because I felt unloved and rejected as a child. No one was there to push me, so I had to push myself. This is why I am so incredibly critical of myself. I have feeling of guilt for no reason. That's a depression symptom for me, so I do recognize why I feel like that. It just really sucks when you feel guilty over nothing. Yes, I am medicated. If I wasn't life wouldn't be very pleasant for me or anyone around me. I get edgy and snappy and depressed and want to cry. It's just a side of me I don't want myself or anyone else around me to experience. Anywho, over the last couple of months I feel like I have given up on the weight loss. I don't know what has changed, but I can't make myself eat right. I don't know if I'm just not happy with myself, or at home, or whatever the problem is. It's eating me alive though. I know I should probably seek counseling, but I am so scared to actually admit what I feel out loud. I tend to keep my feelings inside and then once it gets to be too much I implode. A nasty anger filled hate comes out and I hate it. I honestly don't know how to cope with my feelings and express myself. It's getting a little better but I still have a longlonglonglonglonglonglonglonglonglonglong ways to go. I'm about 25 shades of fucked up in my opinion. One day I'll be where I want to be, I'm just really far away from that place right now. Thank goodness for best friends that you can rant and rave to that don't judge because they know how you feel.

Oh hai

Ok, so I'm just throwing this out as a feeler, but I am thinking about posting once or twice a week with poems I wrote as a teenager. Yay, may, forget about it? I recently stumbled upon my journal where I kept my most private possessions. Some a love, some are hate, some are wishing I was who I wanted to be. Basic poems of a struggling teenager that had no one around to support her. Parents too busy on their extracurricular activities to notice you're actually there. Then one day you hear from your brother they're in jail on drug trafficking charges. Anywho. I'll start this soon so stay tuned friends.