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We went camping for 3nights/4 days. I didn't eat healthy at all. Not one bit and now I feel all nasty and bloated. I'm kicking myself for straying so far into unhealthy choices. I haven't been to the gym since last Wednesday, because we left Thursday morning and then I came home on Sunday with a gnarly cold. So tomorrow marks a week away from the gym. Boooooo! I crave my workouts, if I dont do them I feel imcomplete and totally not satisfied. Friday is back at it though. I should feel well enough to actually go and get a nice and good ass whooping from my fav torture artist. Woot! Let's just preface by saying that coming home from vacation feeling like shit from eating horribly and having a cold blows so hard. so. freaking. hard. The whole damn fam got sick while we were camping. Thursday we though Cal was having a bought of nasty seasonal allergies, then by Saturday we knew he was full blown sick, then Saturday Wyatt got it and slept the whole day away. Josh got a sore throat the same day and then that night I started getting that nasty tickle in my chest alerting me to something awesome brewing in there. oh well, it was still fun until Sunday morning when we had to pack up and go home. We ended up leaving the campsite by 10am and we were home by noon. Thank goodness. Anywho, that's all the update I can think of right now.

Something has switched off..

If you know me well, you know I have a lot of emotional issues. Issues with connecting with my own emotions. Yes I can love, I can show sympathy/empathy towards other people. I have issues being sympathetic and empathetic with myself. In my own eyes, I don't view myself in a healthy manner at all. I'm sure that comes from a loveless, unemotional childhood. I grew up with parents that were too subdued in their own lives to care about mine and my brothers. Honestly, I'm surprised I turned out the way I did. I'm strong and independent and can handle my own shit, but I just cannot connect with my emotions. Not one bit. Scott has had me fill out a goal sheet, he says to connect to your emotions when you fill it out. I tried and failed miserably. Scott knows a majority about what my childhood was like, he understands why I treat myself the way I do. I am so afraid of judgement and rejection. The judgement I don't get why but rejection I totally get. Because I felt unloved and rejected as a child. No one was there to push me, so I had to push myself. This is why I am so incredibly critical of myself. I have feeling of guilt for no reason. That's a depression symptom for me, so I do recognize why I feel like that. It just really sucks when you feel guilty over nothing. Yes, I am medicated. If I wasn't life wouldn't be very pleasant for me or anyone around me. I get edgy and snappy and depressed and want to cry. It's just a side of me I don't want myself or anyone else around me to experience. Anywho, over the last couple of months I feel like I have given up on the weight loss. I don't know what has changed, but I can't make myself eat right. I don't know if I'm just not happy with myself, or at home, or whatever the problem is. It's eating me alive though. I know I should probably seek counseling, but I am so scared to actually admit what I feel out loud. I tend to keep my feelings inside and then once it gets to be too much I implode. A nasty anger filled hate comes out and I hate it. I honestly don't know how to cope with my feelings and express myself. It's getting a little better but I still have a longlonglonglonglonglonglonglonglonglonglong ways to go. I'm about 25 shades of fucked up in my opinion. One day I'll be where I want to be, I'm just really far away from that place right now. Thank goodness for best friends that you can rant and rave to that don't judge because they know how you feel.

Oh hai

Ok, so I'm just throwing this out as a feeler, but I am thinking about posting once or twice a week with poems I wrote as a teenager. Yay, may, forget about it? I recently stumbled upon my journal where I kept my most private possessions. Some a love, some are hate, some are wishing I was who I wanted to be. Basic poems of a struggling teenager that had no one around to support her. Parents too busy on their extracurricular activities to notice you're actually there. Then one day you hear from your brother they're in jail on drug trafficking charges. Anywho. I'll start this soon so stay tuned friends.

Well hello there..

Let's face it, I really suck at blogging. Like a lot. I always try to make myself write a post but then I seem to forget or can't seem to think of anything interesting to write about. I am really hoping to change that.

Scotty and I have changed the game a little and I am so excited about it. I'm in a new high intensity diet so we can do high intensity workouts. I'm on the Zone diet. It's a lot more options, but it's also a lot more food to eat. Holywow is it ever.

Today I went through and planned out my next 7 days worth if meals and then sometime next week I'll do the next 7 days. I can switch it up whenever I want. The nice thing is that it isn't set in stone. My meals my choices, within reason of course.

There are "unfavorable" food options. Scott told me that if I'm going to fuck up I might as well do it right lol

Sometimes I love him. He's an amazing trainer and an even more amazing friend. He's like a part of my family. An awesome older brother or uncle or something.

Anyways there you have it. In the next day or two i'll try to post again with how things are going for me.

If you can't tell..

I officially suck at blogging. I can't keep up with it. I think of it often, but alas, I am too lazy or busy, or maybe both, to actually type in blogger.com on my web browser. I'm still at a 70lb loss. Which is great. I've been maintaining my weight. That's hard to do and I know I wouldn't be able to if I didn't continue to workout. I do 3 30 minutes sessions with Scott every week and then an hour of cardio of my own every day. I'm still working on losing weight, I recently got a little more motivated so hopefully I will get to my next goal of 157lbs by this summer. That will mark my 100lb loss. I will absolutely celebrate and maybe cry a little the day I reach that goal. The day I hit a triple digit loss. It will be ah-fucking-mazing. Absolutely so. Scott decided to slow down my routine with him and work on nothing but fat burn again. Doing this routine has been the most successful for me in my weight loss journey. This is how I have lost the last 48lbs. Now I only have about 30 til my next goal and I am excited to get there. I don't have much more to update. So, goodbye...for now!

Wow

I really didn't realize how long it had been since I've posted on this blog. Lazy on my part I suppose. All is well in my neck of the woods. I'm still losing, or I should say, trying to lose weight. I'm up to 70lbs now. Go me! So I sit right about 187lbs right now. This leave 30lbs until I hit my 100lb milestone! That's kind of exciting! Now I just need to find my healthy eating motivation again. I have been lacking in that department big time! I haven't been able to keep my water intake up either. I think I am bored with every single thing that i know to eat that isn't horrible for me! I'm craving kraft mac n cheese like no other. I want mcDonalds, I want burger king. I have to admit that sometimes I let my cravings win. I know my plateau is all my own fault. I try to motivate myself and give myself little pushes to do things right but it just isn't working right now. It hasn't been for a couple months. I really need to buck up and talk to Scott about it. I just don't want to be judged. I know he won't be mad and won't judge me but I have this overwhelming fear that he will be pissed at me. I don't like it when people are pissed at me. It bothers me like no other. So, That's all I can say for now. I promise to keep blogging at least once a week.

"one"derland

I be there! My weight finally starts with a 1 again!!! First thing I did this morning was tell Josh! He's super happy, theeeennn I text Scott. I swear not a minute later he called me and praised me. I love him. I wouldn't be here today without him. He's amazing and I am so glad I chose him as my trainer. See, there's 3 different trainers that work with Full Body Fitness. Scott, Dean, and Branegan. I had Branegans card, but I lost it. Scott just happened to be the one I decided to talk to. Anyways, now that I am down to 199, I have some before and after face pictures to share with y'all. Here they are:

This means I only have 49lbs til I get to 150. That is my right now goal. I will adjust it when I lose more weight. I might not be comfortable getting down to 150 with all this muscle I'm gaining. Well I should say, I will be gaining. This is all I have for now. Ta-ta friends!

5

This morning I pulled out a pair of jeans, because it was chilly. Fall has decided to hit good old Central, Oregon. Well, when I tried them on I was expecting them to be loose. OMG, they we're falling off to the point where I don't think a belt would've helped. For reals. In the last 6 months I have went from a size 24, to a size 16. That is ah-fucking-mazing. I wasn't even this thin when Josh and I got married. I was a size bigger. So this tells me that i haven't been this size since I was 16 or so. Holy wow. I'm so proud of myself, and everyone is telling me how proud they are of me. It makes me feel great. I love it... Please don't stop. I only have 58 more pounds to lose before I hit my goal weight. Then it's on like donkey kong. We're going to start making me strong. My legs are already super strong, we did negatives on the leg machines yesterday. It was amazing. It makes you feel so freaking strong. You really have to work. Anywho, I will go for now. Til next time, my friends!

Damn it!!!!

I fell off the wagon and I don't know how to pick myself up and get back to it. Everything feels like a giant failure right now. I can't decide what is causing it, but whatever it is needs to go away. I tried doing my fish diet again and i failed epically. i've eaten more bread then I dare admit. My willpower is completely gone. I could say that it doesn't feel like I get the support I need at home, someone to push me and tell me I'm doing a great job. Which is true, josh isn't the most supportive person in the world. He doesn't know how to express it and it makes my heart hurt. God Damn just tell me how great i'm doing and that i can do it. you have faith in me. I feel like I am failing myself. :/ I shouldn't be so critical of myself but I can't help it. I have always been my own worst enemy. FUUUCCCCK! I just want a hidey hole I can crawl into and bawl my eyes out. Tell me I'm amazing, tell me how proud you are of me, please support me and help me.

15lbs from a huge milestone

I only have 15lbs until my weight starts with a 1 again. This will be so freaking super giant huge and damned if I am not celebrating almost 60lbs lost. Hopefully within 3ish weeks I will be at this goal. Scott has promised me that once I hit 198lbs that he's taking me out to lunch. Not only is this huge for me, but he's right there with me. It's huge for him too. We've been working together for almost 6 months now. There's this resturaunt in town called Crave. That's where he's taking me to lunch. I cannot wait because it has burgers and lord know I love me some burgers. You can pretty much put anything in the kitchen on it. Awesome!! I don't know why I haven't heard of this place before. I can't wait. possibly by october 1st I can enjoy this delicious place. I can't tell you how long it has been since I have weighed less than 200lbs. I am so freaking proud of myself for how far I have come. 6 months ago I would have told you that I couldn't lose the weight. Look at me now though. I am well on my way to be fit and healthy!!! Scott tells me every time I see him that I will be an athlete once I am thinner. I am strong physically and mentally. I have so much more energy now, even with losing just 43lbs. I will keep y'all updated on how much I've lost.

I fell

Off the bandwagon. Big time this week. I ate things I know I shouldn't have and I drank things I know I shouldn't have. So you say, "why the fuck did you do it then?" Well folks, it's because will power only goes so far. I think I've said it previously, but I have been battling depression for many years now. That depression got worse for no good reason at all and one of my many side effects is the comfort of food. I talked to Scott, we got things right in lindseyland again and I will not falter again. See, Scott's taken a few psychology courses and he's an easy person to talk to. I need help with something and he's there. He's such an amazing person and I really cannot AW him enough to make you all understand. I dread the day I don't train with him anymore. It's not happening anytime soon but I still dread it. We're bartering for my sessions right now. See, the hubs job really slows down in the winter time. Scott says I'm not allowed to quit using him yet. So we are making a deal. In exchange for my sessions. I'm going to start cleaning his house 2 times a week. Is it weird that I hate cleaning my own house, but I love cleaning and organizing other peoples houses? I think so. Anyways. I hope everyone has a safe and sound holiday weekend!!

I gave up..

That isn't what it looks like!!! I promise! I gave up on my Nutritionist, she just wasn't doing anything for me. Pfft, who needs her when I have Scott!!! I see him almost everyday and I work with him 3x per week.

The nutritionist gave me some good info, but Scott really knows me. He's taking the time to help me. I've lost more weight doing what he tells me to than I ever did seeing the Nutritionist. Doesn't that say something? Anything??

Scott is such a great motivator. Not only is he my trainer, but he's my great friend. It's nice to know that I can trust him, and that I can talk to him like a good friend and not feel weird about it.

We have an odd relationship, it's great and I love it though! Having a good relationship with your trainer is crucial in success, in my opinion. How can you be comfortable with eachother if you don't have that relationship? He's committed to helping me and I am letting him.

He knows that I'm in it to win it. I am getting closer to my goal every single day. My success is thanks to him. I've lost 41lbs. How awesome is that??

This post is random rambling of everything, but I can't concentrate enough to put a decent post together if I wanted to. So here you go!!

7 years!

Yesterday was our 7 year anniversary. It was a good day, I totally busted my diet, but it was worth it! I didn't eat anything super bad so I don't feel one bit guilty.

We went and saw our pup Samson, and we went to Applebee's for lunch with the boys. We got the internet at home a couple weeks ago for our present to each other. I'd rather have that than anything else. I use it everyday and it just wasn't cutting it on my phone. Since it's a "dumb phone", one day I will have a smartphone again.

It's been great these past 7 years, we havea nice house, 2 wonderful boys & soon to be an adorable pup at home. Samson will come home in about 6-7 weeks! Here's a pic for your enjoyment!!

He's half husky mix and half hound!

I have a goal

Well, I've had a goal in mind for a long time, but now that I am seeing things work, it's becoming more of a reality. It's nice to know that things can happen and I will one day soon see my goal come to life.

So, with this new eating plan, I should drop about 5-7lbs a week. So that means I could potentially lose up to 40lbs in 8 weeks. That would be super awesome.

I just have to keep at it and not cheat. It's getting easier now that I have a few different choices. I can always use my other meal plans to supplement if I get bored. It's nice to have options.

Honestly, there were a few days where I just wanted to break down and cry because I didn't think I could do it. I know that I can now. It's hard and I want to cheat every freaking day but I am being good.

I want to be thin. The few things I want really bad are 1: not to have to worry about a liver transplant in 5-10 years, 2: to be here for my kids 3: to be able to shop in the womens section, not the womens plus. I want to be able to wear clothes that don't look like a 90 year old woman should be wearing them. I really want clothes to lie flat on my skin and not have nasty rolls showing through.

I am on my way to all this! I can't wait for it to finally become a true reality!

I've struggled..

When I did before, I didn't feel so guilty about screwing up. Now, I definitely have a guilty conscience. Yes I know everyone has their weakness. It's hard to deal mentally when you did so well the first week. Then feel like a failure the next week.

I cannot call myself a failure because I haven't weighed yet, but I don't feel like i did good. I don't feel like I lost any weight, which probably isn't true because it could just be a small amount. I don't know. I am having a hard time, and sometimes I don't feel like Josh understands what I am going through mentally.

Feeling guilty for no reason is one of my personal side effects from depression. I get anxiety and can't sleep over things. I think it might be time to talk to the good old doc again. Guess I'll be making an appointment today.

My first week..

It went amazingly well. I only have a few more days left on this particular diet. But the first week I knocked it out of the park and I lost 11.25lbs in 7 days! How awesome am I? I swear I have the willpower of a champion. Josh and the boys ate normally and I ate whatever Scott told me I had to eat. I can't complain because it worked!

I am now officially down 33.25lbs.

I have the willpower of a champion

The other night, I so lovingly made my husband and children burritos for dinner. I smelled the deliciousness and even helped them make their burritos. Then I sat down at the table and ate my blah fish, sweet potato, and green beans.

I keep telling myself this diet is only temporary and that in a week or two I will have more options. It's so fucking hard but I will prevale and I CAN DO THIS!

Today is a really bad self image day. I am going to post pictures of what I look like now. I'm being a brave woman. Posting my fatass on the interwebz for all to look at and mock me.

So here it goes.







So there I am! This is me as of today. I will do this weekly so I can bring you guys along my weight loss journey and you can see my progress too.

My current weight is 231.25lbs. I weigh again on Monday. So hopefully I'll have some good news to report since I've been on this new program.

First day down

Let me just tell y'all that my diet is so boring right now. I would making it interesting if I knew how. I can't use the seasoning I normally would to make things taste good. So for now I'm eating just to fuel my body and nothing else. All the enjoyment has been taken out of my food.

Honestly, this is exactly what I need. Since Scott is putting all this work into helping me, I don't want to disappoint him. I actually succeeded in eating 6 times yesterday, which is a biggianthuge point for me. Most of the time I feed my kids and forget to feed myself. It was really hard to see the boys and josh eating super delicious looking and smelling burritos for dinner last night.

I will not make my family eat the way I am. Especially the boys, their diet can handle it. They don't have a life altering disease. I must take care of myself.

This isn't just for my benefit, it's for my family too. I want to be there for my boys. I want to have more babies. Losing weight and getting healthier are priority in the equation. I don't want to have to have a liver transplant and be stuck on antirejection meds for the rest of my life. No bueno!!

Well, cheers to the beginning of the end of Fatty Liver Disease. You will die and I will defeat you. You bastard disease!!!

Body Blueprinting

Ladies and gents, this is my new weight loss adventure. I am Scott's guinea pig for this.

Basically it's a REALLY specific eating plan and we're targeting my main areas that I need to lose weight in.

It is not easy, not one bit. There's extremely minimal carb and a lot of protein and greens. Here's what my 6 day meal plan is:

Breakfast:
3oz of turkey breast
1/2 grapefruit or 1/2c mxd berries

Mid morning snack:
3oz tuna
1c of greens

Lunch:
2oz fish
1/2 med yam
1c greens

afternoon snack:
3oz tuna
1c greens

Dinner:
2oz fish
1/2 med yam
1c greens

there's also an evening snack which is optional, we'll see how I feel in the evening.

evening snack:
2oz turkey
1c greens

Yes, I know this looks like I am eating a lot of the same things, that's because I am.

Wait for the best part, oooo wait for it..


No salt and/or condiments!!!!

The end goal is for me to lose the weight and be happy and healthy. I am fairly happy and I'm pretty close to not having FLD anymore. I go see my GI on the 16th of Aug for a follow up with b/w and what not. So hopefully we'll get good news at that appointment or shortly afterwards.

I will struggle and I will have a hard time keeping on track but I know I can do it!!

Dread

I realize that I am having a really hard time breaking old eating habits. I'm suppose to be keeping a food journal for my nutritionist and I fail big time.

I am dreading the weigh in this week. I was reallysuperfreakingbad with my diet this weekend and I don't want to face the music if I gained weight. Seriously Lindsey, why can't you get your shit together?

We'll see I guess.