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We went camping for 3nights/4 days. I didn't eat healthy at all. Not one bit and now I feel all nasty and bloated. I'm kicking myself for straying so far into unhealthy choices. I haven't been to the gym since last Wednesday, because we left Thursday morning and then I came home on Sunday with a gnarly cold. So tomorrow marks a week away from the gym. Boooooo! I crave my workouts, if I dont do them I feel imcomplete and totally not satisfied. Friday is back at it though. I should feel well enough to actually go and get a nice and good ass whooping from my fav torture artist. Woot! Let's just preface by saying that coming home from vacation feeling like shit from eating horribly and having a cold blows so hard. so. freaking. hard. The whole damn fam got sick while we were camping. Thursday we though Cal was having a bought of nasty seasonal allergies, then by Saturday we knew he was full blown sick, then Saturday Wyatt got it and slept the whole day away. Josh got a sore throat the same day and then that night I started getting that nasty tickle in my chest alerting me to something awesome brewing in there. oh well, it was still fun until Sunday morning when we had to pack up and go home. We ended up leaving the campsite by 10am and we were home by noon. Thank goodness. Anywho, that's all the update I can think of right now.

Something has switched off..

If you know me well, you know I have a lot of emotional issues. Issues with connecting with my own emotions. Yes I can love, I can show sympathy/empathy towards other people. I have issues being sympathetic and empathetic with myself. In my own eyes, I don't view myself in a healthy manner at all. I'm sure that comes from a loveless, unemotional childhood. I grew up with parents that were too subdued in their own lives to care about mine and my brothers. Honestly, I'm surprised I turned out the way I did. I'm strong and independent and can handle my own shit, but I just cannot connect with my emotions. Not one bit. Scott has had me fill out a goal sheet, he says to connect to your emotions when you fill it out. I tried and failed miserably. Scott knows a majority about what my childhood was like, he understands why I treat myself the way I do. I am so afraid of judgement and rejection. The judgement I don't get why but rejection I totally get. Because I felt unloved and rejected as a child. No one was there to push me, so I had to push myself. This is why I am so incredibly critical of myself. I have feeling of guilt for no reason. That's a depression symptom for me, so I do recognize why I feel like that. It just really sucks when you feel guilty over nothing. Yes, I am medicated. If I wasn't life wouldn't be very pleasant for me or anyone around me. I get edgy and snappy and depressed and want to cry. It's just a side of me I don't want myself or anyone else around me to experience. Anywho, over the last couple of months I feel like I have given up on the weight loss. I don't know what has changed, but I can't make myself eat right. I don't know if I'm just not happy with myself, or at home, or whatever the problem is. It's eating me alive though. I know I should probably seek counseling, but I am so scared to actually admit what I feel out loud. I tend to keep my feelings inside and then once it gets to be too much I implode. A nasty anger filled hate comes out and I hate it. I honestly don't know how to cope with my feelings and express myself. It's getting a little better but I still have a longlonglonglonglonglonglonglonglonglonglong ways to go. I'm about 25 shades of fucked up in my opinion. One day I'll be where I want to be, I'm just really far away from that place right now. Thank goodness for best friends that you can rant and rave to that don't judge because they know how you feel.

Oh hai

Ok, so I'm just throwing this out as a feeler, but I am thinking about posting once or twice a week with poems I wrote as a teenager. Yay, may, forget about it? I recently stumbled upon my journal where I kept my most private possessions. Some a love, some are hate, some are wishing I was who I wanted to be. Basic poems of a struggling teenager that had no one around to support her. Parents too busy on their extracurricular activities to notice you're actually there. Then one day you hear from your brother they're in jail on drug trafficking charges. Anywho. I'll start this soon so stay tuned friends.

Well hello there..

Let's face it, I really suck at blogging. Like a lot. I always try to make myself write a post but then I seem to forget or can't seem to think of anything interesting to write about. I am really hoping to change that.

Scotty and I have changed the game a little and I am so excited about it. I'm in a new high intensity diet so we can do high intensity workouts. I'm on the Zone diet. It's a lot more options, but it's also a lot more food to eat. Holywow is it ever.

Today I went through and planned out my next 7 days worth if meals and then sometime next week I'll do the next 7 days. I can switch it up whenever I want. The nice thing is that it isn't set in stone. My meals my choices, within reason of course.

There are "unfavorable" food options. Scott told me that if I'm going to fuck up I might as well do it right lol

Sometimes I love him. He's an amazing trainer and an even more amazing friend. He's like a part of my family. An awesome older brother or uncle or something.

Anyways there you have it. In the next day or two i'll try to post again with how things are going for me.

If you can't tell..

I officially suck at blogging. I can't keep up with it. I think of it often, but alas, I am too lazy or busy, or maybe both, to actually type in blogger.com on my web browser. I'm still at a 70lb loss. Which is great. I've been maintaining my weight. That's hard to do and I know I wouldn't be able to if I didn't continue to workout. I do 3 30 minutes sessions with Scott every week and then an hour of cardio of my own every day. I'm still working on losing weight, I recently got a little more motivated so hopefully I will get to my next goal of 157lbs by this summer. That will mark my 100lb loss. I will absolutely celebrate and maybe cry a little the day I reach that goal. The day I hit a triple digit loss. It will be ah-fucking-mazing. Absolutely so. Scott decided to slow down my routine with him and work on nothing but fat burn again. Doing this routine has been the most successful for me in my weight loss journey. This is how I have lost the last 48lbs. Now I only have about 30 til my next goal and I am excited to get there. I don't have much more to update. So, goodbye...for now!

Wow

I really didn't realize how long it had been since I've posted on this blog. Lazy on my part I suppose. All is well in my neck of the woods. I'm still losing, or I should say, trying to lose weight. I'm up to 70lbs now. Go me! So I sit right about 187lbs right now. This leave 30lbs until I hit my 100lb milestone! That's kind of exciting! Now I just need to find my healthy eating motivation again. I have been lacking in that department big time! I haven't been able to keep my water intake up either. I think I am bored with every single thing that i know to eat that isn't horrible for me! I'm craving kraft mac n cheese like no other. I want mcDonalds, I want burger king. I have to admit that sometimes I let my cravings win. I know my plateau is all my own fault. I try to motivate myself and give myself little pushes to do things right but it just isn't working right now. It hasn't been for a couple months. I really need to buck up and talk to Scott about it. I just don't want to be judged. I know he won't be mad and won't judge me but I have this overwhelming fear that he will be pissed at me. I don't like it when people are pissed at me. It bothers me like no other. So, That's all I can say for now. I promise to keep blogging at least once a week.

"one"derland

I be there! My weight finally starts with a 1 again!!! First thing I did this morning was tell Josh! He's super happy, theeeennn I text Scott. I swear not a minute later he called me and praised me. I love him. I wouldn't be here today without him. He's amazing and I am so glad I chose him as my trainer. See, there's 3 different trainers that work with Full Body Fitness. Scott, Dean, and Branegan. I had Branegans card, but I lost it. Scott just happened to be the one I decided to talk to. Anyways, now that I am down to 199, I have some before and after face pictures to share with y'all. Here they are:

This means I only have 49lbs til I get to 150. That is my right now goal. I will adjust it when I lose more weight. I might not be comfortable getting down to 150 with all this muscle I'm gaining. Well I should say, I will be gaining. This is all I have for now. Ta-ta friends!